guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
