i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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