A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
