I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize