every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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