the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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