i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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