I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
