i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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