Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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