Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
