We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
