singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
