You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
