You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Mom said you looked used
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize