Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
