His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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