You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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