I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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