You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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