he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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