This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
