Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
