yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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