Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
