Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
