You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize