Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
