I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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