so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
