closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
