i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
