I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize