I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
this boner is exhausting
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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