Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Semen is not good for contacts.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Im part way to drunk.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
