She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
