So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
