He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
