I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
