I accidentally had phone sex last night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
