he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
