The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
