Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
