let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
