I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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