Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
