When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
