I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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