woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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