That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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