she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just pee around me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
