Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
