I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
