Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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