I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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