clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
