Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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