my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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